The Lies begin.

     Soon after that first date, the lies began.  It was months later that I realized they were lies and by this time I was in love. I thought his confession and my forgiveness would make it all better.  But what I have learned since then, is that if a man or woman is willing to lie to you, even once, they will probably lie again and again.
     The first lie was that he was divorced.  I remember the night he told me.  Thinking back on it now, I think he may have been on the verge of telling me the truth, but in the end, the lie won out.  We had been out dancing and stopped at a 24 hour eatery to grab a bite to eat before heading home.  He told me he had something important to tell me but was afraid of how I would react.  He struggled for several moments before he could get it out. I could see the discomfort in his facial expressions and his body language.  Finally he blurted out that he had been married before and was divorced.  I remember pausing for a moment, thinking there must be more. I finally asked him, "Is that it?"  Yes, I thought it was important that he told me but it didn't freak me out nor was it something I thought was super terrible.  I remember thinking I couldn't understand why that was so difficult for him to tell me. 
     By July we were engaged to be married.  I moved in with my future mother-in-law.  She was divorced from *Jack's father and was renting a town home.  It helped both of us save some money by sharing a place to live and splitting  the rent.  A few months later, my Mom came into to town to help me find a place to hold the wedding reception.  Jack had been out of town on business, but called to say he was coming in that weekend as well and needed to talk to me. 
    My Mom and I were successful in finding a place to hold the reception and she signed a contract and made a down payment.  My parents had generously offered to pay for the wedding and reception. We were told that if anything should happen and the wedding was cancelled, that my Mom would still be responsible for the full payment of the contract unless they were able to book someone else for that same night. In fact, that is exactly what had happened to the girl who had previously booked the reception hall for the same day that I wanted.  The owner said the Dad would be so relieved to learn we had booked the same date and he would be let out of his contract.
    Back at the town home, my future mother in law pulled me aside and said what Jack had to tell me was bad and she was afraid of how I was going to take it.  Little things that had happened started coming together in my mind and making sense.
     A few months before Jack had gone out of town on business, he got hurt.  He cut an artery in his arm and was rushed to the hospital where he had to have surgery.  I had tried to get a hold of him during one of my breaks that day and had been unsuccessful.  I sought out his sister, who worked at the same company as me, and she had not heard form him either. It was NOT like him to not return my call.  After work, I was still unable to get a hold of him.  I was still living in my apartment and I did not have a number for his mother at that time.  Finally, I got a call.  He was able to leave the hospital and was returning to the town home where his mother lived.  I wanted to come immediately, but was told not to because his ex wife was coming by and he didn't want a confrontation between the two of us.  At first I went along with that, but then a friend encouraged me to go anyway.  Why should his ex wife care?  Why was she even going to visit him? I should pick up some food for everyone and head over there.  That is what I did, and I did not run into the ex wife.  I was upset that his mother had not let me know sooner that something had happened and she apologized.
     That summer, Jack was still out of town on business.  He was renting a house but had to furnish it himself. I took time off to visit him there.  I cooked several meals for him and when I left he still had leftovers in his refrigerator.  Later he told me that his ex wife had somehow found out where he was, went there (He was in a different state than where we all lived), and demanded some of the furniture, saying he owed it to her as part of the divorce settlement...that some of those things were hers.  Then he said she found the left overs and threatened to find me or harass  me unless he got her the recipes!  Strange, but I bought all of it!
     Soon after that we were engaged and I moved in with Jack's mother, *Maria. Maria  also told me that Jack's ex wife was threatening to "stalk" me.  She knew where I worked and had told Jack she was going to go there to talk to me. Jack's mother gave me a picture of her and told me to give it to the front desk so that they would recognize her if she tried to harass me at work. 
     As I waited for Jack to get back in town and tell me his news, I thought about those little incidents.  Why would his ex-wife care if I visited him when he was hurt?  Why would she seek him out in a totally different state, hundreds of miles away to get some furniture? Why would she want to seek me out at work and talk to me? She must have something to say. Why was Maria so worried about how I was going to react when Jack talked to me?  I didn't mention any of this to my own mother, who had just signed a contract for a wedding reception. 
    When Jack got to the town home, we went upstairs to talk.  At that moment, I knew before he even said it. I said, "You're not really divorced are you? You're still married."
     It is still hard for me to comprehend that someone would agree to set me up with their married brother and keep that fact from me.  I am not even sure to this day if he was legally separated from his wife at that time.  Later Jack told me that one of his sisters had advised him NOT to tell me, in the beginning, of his marriage or separation. When I first met his mother, I also met aunts and uncles and a grandmother, and NO ONE thought I should know that the man I was dating was still legally married.  I can't believe his mother agreed to let me move in with her, knowing I didn't know the truth and not knowing how I would react when I found out!  I had given up my apartment! I was manipulated by the whole family!!  That should have been HUGE red flags warning me to run!  But I didn't, and I have to take responsibility for that and all the consequences that stemmed from that bad decision.

*names have been changed
 

First Date

    The next day at work, I slipped one of my cards with my number on it in *Rachel's mailbox.  I found out later that *Jack  went back to Rachel and told her he thought I was blowing him off. According to Jack, she called him and told him I had given her my number and that she didn’t think I was blowing him off. He called me either that evening or the next day to ask for a date.  He was going out of town that weekend to visit his mother but would be back Sunday and wanted to know if I would like to go out to dinner.  I said yes.

     Our first date was on a Sunday evening.  He took me to a nearby Chile’s restaurant…probably my suggestion as that is one of my favorite restaurants.  Our dinner date started a little late because he was running late getting back in town.  He kept apologizing.  I thought that was sweet, but it really made no difference to me.    I don’t remember what we talked about…probably all those “getting to know you” kind of things, but I remember there was a lot of conversation all through dinner and I enjoyed being with him.  When we got back to the apartment, he pulled out a single red rose before walking me to the door.  I  commented that it felt like my birthday had come a day early as the following day, Monday, was my birthday.  When I got home from work Monday, I found a card and balloons tied to my door.  The card said they were from Jack. I was very excited about the prospect of dating him and getting to know him better.

   It was all just typical first date stuff...both of us wanting to impress the other one...being on our best behavior.  There was no sign that this guy was capable of fantastic lies (big and small), and of conning and manipulating me. The lies came soon after and by the time "red flags" were waving, I was in love and ignored them.

  *names are changed

In the Beginning (continued)

     It turns out that *Rachel and I not only worked at the same company , but we also lived in the same apartment complex. We often  parked in the same parking lot.  When visiting Rachel at her apartment, *Jack,  Rachel's brother, had  seen me walking from my car towards my apartment.  He began pestering Rachel to set up a meeting between us, and so she finally sought me out that particular day at work.


   After running into *Rachel at the elevator on Thursday, and agreeing to meet her brother , I didn't think much more about it.  I was sitting with a few coworkers at the end of the day, feeling a little tired and frazzled, when someone tapped me on the shoulder.  It was Rachel.  Standing behind her was her brother, *Jack.  

    He was tall, dark, handsome and had a beautiful smile with two huge dimples.  He was wearing starched jeans and boots, a denim shirt and a blue sweater vest and he carried himself very well.   I remember thinking “Wow.”   I felt a little awkward and self conscience.  I couldn't remember the last time I had looked in a mirror to fix my hair or make up. (I still remember what I was wearing.)  Rachel introduced us and we spoke for a few minutes.  *Betty, a coworker, nudged me and whispered in my ear, "He's cute!" Rachel and Jack sat with us for a short while, then we started getting up to go home. As I was saying goodbye, I noticed that Jack was standing off to the side , like he was waiting for me.  I felt a little uncomfortable and didn't know what to say as there were still people standing around.  Jack and I started heading toward the door together and he asked if we could go out sometime.  I was so nervous I said "Sure, you can get my number from Rachel"  and hurried out the door to my car.  


*names have been changed

The Beginning

     It all started innocently enough on a Thursday.  I was single and working full time. I was especially busy at work one day. I stopped briefly at my desk when a coworker told me that "Rachel" was looking for me and wanted to talk to me.  I thought that was a little odd as she was a fairly new employee. We rarely saw each other at work and didn’t really know each other.  As I headed to the elevator, "Rachel" caught up with me and asked me if I had a minute to talk.  I told her if she could talk to me on the way down on the elevator, I had just a few minutes.   She joined me on the elevator and told me that she had a brother. He had seen me when he had visited her at work and was interested in meeting me. "Rachel" asked if I would be willing to meet him. She said she could introduce us that afternoon after work. "Rachel" is beautiful, and I have to admit I thought to myself, "He can't be that bad." Superficial and dumb I know. I wasn’t dating anyone at the time and so I just said, “Sure, why not.”

    Such an innocent beginning to a painful journey for me.  Along the way I have had to cling to my faith and belief that God will use these life lessons to make me a stronger and better person. I made so many mistakes and ignored so many "red flags". If you follow my story, I hope that I can give hope to those who can relate and help others not to judge.